Healing

Every thing I do takes at least twice as long as it used to.   I am still using a cane, because  walking without it is pretty painful.

So showering, doing dishes, doing laundry, feeding dogs, feeding  my  outside cat and his friends, cooking dinner, getting the garbage and recycles out, everything, is an event.

Today is  three weeks since my surgery.  I have already started driving myself to PT this week, and yes, I have been weaving.  Thank God, or I think that mentally, I would be in worse shape.

I don't weave for long, but it is so good for me.

I am also planning ......future weaving projects, and future weaving workshops...........that's a good sign.

I know that gardening most likely will not be in my future this summer........and I am grateful that I have an amazing kid who is keeping my lawns mowed and trimmed and looking awesome.   It hurts a bit financially, but I think that it's worth it not to have to worry about it, or actually, even think about it.

I feel so guilty that Naya and Willie aren't getting walks, and haven't for months.   They deserve better, and I just can't do a thing about it.

They are my ever present companions though, and I don't know what on earth I would do without them.

They call them rescue dogs, but truly, there are days when they rescue me.

I am not sure what happens after a surgical "assault", but I do know that it's unwise 

to underestimate it.

I was at PT the other day, and I told my therapist that I was struggling with the pain, it just wasn't getting better very quickly.   

He said..........."does it feel like they cut off your leg and reattached it?"

Horrified, I said, "What?"

He repeated.

" Does it feel like they cut off your leg and reattached it?  Because that's what they 

did.  And it's only been two weeks."

Enough said.

I am also amazed at how tired I am since surgery........just exhausted much of the time.  Naps feel like heaven every one.

I also can't concentrate long enough to read a book.

So Netflix and Britbox are my friends, and mindless work like Kumihimo, making cords

that I don't need.

I have yet to get my screen porch  ready.  The floor is mostly the issue.....it needs sweeping, vacuuming and mopping, all things that are difficult for me right now.

The furniture has been covered up with plastic all winter, and all the cushions and chair covers and such are washed and put away in the attic loft.  This is the first time ever that I have done that in the fall.  I always waited and did it now, in the spring, but for some reason, I got organized last November, and I am so glad that I did.  Once the floor is cleaned, I won't be far from being able to use the porch.

The dogs love it, I love it.

They run in and out of the dog door a thousand times a day, and I don't have to let them in or out.  Marvelous.

I am struck lately by the incessant need of the mind to project into the future.  Should I do this, or should I do that.

What if I moved here, or changed this, or started this, or gave up this........a constant barrage of what to do, or how to do things, in a time that has not arrived.

It is such a total and complete waste of time.

As we get older, it gets even more ridiculous.  Years ago, when I was in the midst of extricating myself from an alcoholic husband, I had a sign over my sewing machine, it said, "Stay in the day".     It's solid advice, and one that I still, after all these years, need to remember.

Now that I am 77.........WTH..............is there any sense at all to wasting one minute planning for a future that is more tenuous by the day????   I think not.

I heard some good advice the other day, it said, "Every day, do what you do, and do it well", because that's all there is.

I think I am going to make a few little cards, and position them in places around the house, that say, once again, "Stay in the day."  It's so simple, yet so difficult.

We are bombarded by media telling us to put the future right in front of our faces, even when our logical minds tell us that's crap.

In an effort to decrease inflammation in my old body, I am trying this mushroom coffee.  Lots of reviews say it's very helpful in that regard, as well as lowering cholesterol.  And since I am dead set against taking statins, this is my plan.

I've heard things about how bad it tastes, but I have to say, I like it.

It tastes like coffee, but earthier somehow.  I use a little creamer, and drink one a day.

We shall see.  My opinion is that the medical community often throws meds at us, when natural remedies can and often do just as much for us, with less side effects.

I will keep you posted.  I'm planning on drinking it for two months, and getting labs 

drawn, and taking stock of how I feel overall.

I also think about what this "recovery" would be like, if Bill were still 

here.  

Being alone is one thing,

 being without someone you have spent so many years 

with is something else.

And being slightly disabled and recovering alone is truly something I never imagined, 

or saw coming.