Surrender

I am sure the world has gone mad, and sometimes I wish I lived on a mountain, with no access to any kind of media.  

I know that is a pipe dream, can you ever get away from it????

But this week has been particularly disturbing.

A father who shoots his three sons, in the yard, in front of their mother.  They were beautiful little boys, ages 3, 4, and 7.   Why?

Five people in a submarine, 2.5 miles down in the ocean, looking for wreckage of a ship that's been there for over 100 years, surely not to be rescued.  They went voluntarily.  Why?

The world is a mind boggle much of the time, and maybe it always has been, but now, it is in 

our face, daily.  The magnitude of our disconnect.

On so many levels, the internet is a wonderful thing.

And yet..........

Wasn't life so much simpler before? 

Useless pondering, I know.

But now I understand my elderly mother's reminiscing about times past.  How much she enjoyed traveling back down memory lane.  I didn't get it then, but now I do.

Getting older sometimes makes you smarter, not feebler.

Often I beat myself up with the thoughts that I "should" be doing something, traveling, being more social, being more adventurous. joining groups. buying nicer clothes, dressing up more, getting out more,  I ask myself, "what ever happened to you?"  

You didn't use to be such a hermit.

Then at times, I get sucked into the FOMO mentality.   OMG,  fear of missing out.  It even sounds ridiculous.

What I've realized is this.

I'm fairly old.  I've been on this earth for 76 years to date.  I've had an interesting, active, pretty wonderful life. I've been blessed in so many ways.   Hard times?   Absolutely.

But here I am, still on my feet, still weaving, still excited about every sunrise.

The truth is, I don't really want to travel.   I  don't want to be more social.  I am happy with the small circle of friends and family who elevate me, always.  I don't want or need a lot of fancy clothes, and in fact, if it's not totally comfortable, it's out.  I'm not losing weight, either.  Enough already, it's long past time to give up on that need to "fit in" or "measure up" or in any way waste a minute comparing myself to anyone else.  I eat sensibly, but if I want a bagel, I'm having a bagel.

No longer interested in impressing anyone at all.

Truth is, I'm incredibly happy right where I am.

Simple, perhaps, but nothing feels as good as this.

Me, and two dogs, and two cats.   A pack you might say.  And what is more comforting than to be with your pack???

Of course, before all the social media explosion, we weren't bombarded with everyone's "best" moments, their FB pages, and Instagram, and all the rest, where they appeared to be so incredibly perfect and happy.   

So we were more content in our own little worlds, and if we ventured out, on a big trip, it was an event, not a small part of a whirlwind life, like we see portrayed for us on the screen, continuously.

The sense of foreboding I have carried around since one year ago June, has gone.  Very 

simply, I have surrendered.   An old Al Anon word, "surrender".   Not giving up, oh no.

But surrendering to a higher power, accepting life as it is.  Loving it, as it is.

And gratitude, always.

Is it summer yet?

Here I am again.......I am appalled at my scanty blogging history this year.  I really 

can't believe I have been so distracted.  I keep telling myself that I will do better.

Yesterday was a crazy, disturbing day, when a mangy looking raccoon tried to break INTO the dog yard.   Yes, my dogs noticed.  There was a horrible screeching noise, and when I got them inside, they both had blood on their faces.

I have looked high and low, but the raccoon is nowhere to be found.  On inspection, there was a small opening between the stockade fence on the back of the yard, and the chain link on the side of the yard, and this is where the raccoon made the 

poor decision to try to get through.

I immediately called the vet, who said that even if the raccoon was rabid, my dogs are up to date on their rabies, so will be ok.

Never a dull moment.

Syd says:  "They are animals."

Last week I got on a sewing kick......that's how I roll.........you would think it would be 

easier to sew things when I take them off the loom, but no.

I weave for long stretches of time, and stack up the fabric.   Then one day,

I get the notion to sew, and for days I am to be found at the sewing machine.

 I finished seven möbius shawls.

One lovely ruana.

And five möbi shrugs.

It all goes on my FB page, Crazy as a Loom Weaving, and then gets safely hung up to wait for the guild show in November.

I do not have the energy or the motivation for any other shows.

Then after the guild show, I'll have my annual pre-Christmas sale.

That's my plan.

The raised beds are doing great with tomatoes, cukes, one zucchini, some peppers, some basil, and the garlic that I planted last fall.

The perennial garden is really starting to come together.

I am trying to keep everything outside as easy to take care of as possible.  I do some weeding, but that's about it.

 I am limping around still, and have been for two months.  Going to the chiropractor now, twice a week, so hoping that eventually I will be a little more mobile.   But to be honest, I have given up the idea of doing manual labor. I have been too hard on my body all these years, and now I really just need to take care of it.

I either hire someone to do the yard work, or it won't get done.

Hope everyone is enjoying these  early summer days.....it will be fall before we know it.

I matter.

Here it is, well into June. I have no idea where the time goes.  Most of the time I feel that I am hiding away here in Kingsbury, in this big old house.

The world has gone mad.

First a heat wave that seems like the dog days of August, then so cold I wanted to turn the 

furnace back on.

Then for a couple of days, I didn't dare to go outside with the air quality in such a state, bad for people with asthma, like me.

Then there's the indictment.  God help us.

But let's stick with today, that's always my plan, even though I deviate sometimes.

A while back, I was repotting my oxalis, a plant I've had for 20 years.   It was looking 

kind of sad, and I knew it was root bound, so I bought a bigger pot, and some dirt.

Unfortunately, when I proceeded to remove it from its tight space, I dumped it upside down on the table.  I was horrified, I thought for sure I had killed it.   But fast forward a couple of weeks, and just look at that beauty.  

A long time ago, my mother, gardener extraordinaire, told me that sometimes you need to "shock' a plant, and it will rebound with gusto.   Apparently, she was right.

When we walk the dogs every morning, we usually walk on a dirt road a few miles 

from here.   Never mind that there are oodles of lovely trails we could walk on.

Nope.  We only walk where there is minimal chance of seeing anyone or anything.

The reason:   that would be Willie.  He is the sweetest dog on the planet, but he reacts ....no, he overreacts .....to everything.  Jumping, howling, twirling.....it's a sight.    I've tried everything that I can think of, and nothing really works.  He is happy and calm and lovely in his own domain,  but anywhere else, even in the car, he is a royal pain.

Luckily, he didn't see old grumpy Grace here.........good thing. Snapping turtles can do a job on a dog's nose.   Lately we see them almost every day, laying their eggs by the side of the road.

It's a labor of love, surely, or is it just instinct?  I am glad that they don't know that 

the very next day, those eggs have been dug up and feasted on by some local predator.

It's a wonder there are any turtles at all.

When we walk on the Towpath, which is the road next to the old canal, we often see

the results of lazy ass people throwing their trash around.

This piece of metal has been there a while, and L insists on calling it the "creature in the canal".

You decide.

I know I told you all that I had turned a corner.  And I think that's true.

But wow, my brain is working all the time, pondering and figuring, and thinking

things through.

Memories flash through my head, and some days I am just exhausted with putting my life all back together, in this new shape.

I have come to understand so much.

We all have our crosses to bear.   Our infirmities.   

We all have to navigate the process of aging, and we all have to face change

at one time or another.

Nothing stays the same.

We all experience life in our own way, the joys, the heartaches, the worry, the excitement, 

the challenges.

I believe that I am but a blip on the screen, like each one of you.

In a vast universe, each one of us is a mere thought.

So in that vein, what matters???

I think........I really believe......that the only thing that matters is the love we give, the good we do, the serenity we claim.   

So in every throw of the shuttle, every mix of the dye,  every hug of a child or a grandchild or a friend, every kindness I extend, every time I  dig down and give of myself, every quiet moment of gratitude I experience , I matter.

And that, my friends, is it.