Lost

Driving home from my middle daughter's house the other day, I got lost.   GPS???    Well, I decided the GPS didn't know what she was talking about, so I ignored her.   I saw the route signs, and thought that was where I wanted to be, except that I wanted north, and I was headed south.  In the city of Troy, NY, getting turned around was easy.  While there were some impressive old homes and factories along the river, most of it was depressing, and a little scary.  But mostly, I was so annoyed with myself, for missing my turn that would have taken me north along the Hudson,  through the countryside, home.

It happened because I was deep in thought about the process of getting older, and being separate from the children who had taken up most of my life.  I'm not sure why it hit me the way it did,  but it surely did.

For years and years, I was at the center of their existence, and at the same time, at the center of my mother's, and now.............well, I'm not.  Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly proud of my three daughters.  They are beautiful girls, they all have a great work ethic (no surprise there), they are all great moms, and are settled at work and at home.   I know that I did a pretty good job raising them, and for that I am pleased.

But as time goes on, and they and I get older, I am occasionally blindsided by the fact that they now have their own families, and that their priorities have changed, as of course they should.

Most times, this would not bother me, for it is the proper and anticipated outcome of life.

But on occasion, when I find myself overwhelmed............yes, by too much physical pain, and by the nagging feeling of something missed, something lost.  

  DH is distracted, distant, often fairly blank, certainly not of his own choosing, but there it is.

There was a time when he logged on to this blog every day, because he didn't want to miss a word or thought that I might have.  Now, I'm not sure he could find my blog online, and for certain, there is no interest in discovering anything about anyone.   So other than pick up after him, check up on him, worry about him, it is a solitary life I live.   I try not to resent the responsibility, but there are days when it seems like if you live alone, you should be free from all of that.  I try daily to be a better person, some days I struggle.

So after my minor emotional episode, all experienced on my own in my Subaru Forester, I came home and lost myself in a good book..........The Innocents, by Michael Crummey. (little book recommendation there)

Then the next morning, I got up and got busy.......put myself squarely back in the middle of my own life, which pretty much keeps me occupied enough on a daily basis.   I totally get what happened.  Sometimes, when I'm tired, or not feeling so great......or as they say in Al Anon....H.A.L.T..........hungry, angry, lonely, tired........it's often easy to go down a  rabbit hole.

Memories, feelings, regrets, and more, can sneak right up and slap you hard.  How does that go?????  The unexamined life is not worth living".....had to look it up, I didn't know that Socrates said that at this trial, when he chose death rather than exile.

And I think I have troubles.

So I'm not entirely sure I agree with Socrates, because examining what you cannot change, isn't something I want to spend too much time on.  I think I am leaning more to the mundane......you know???   Doing the dishes, warping the loom, dyeing some yarn, walking the dogs, collecting eggs,  all those things I do on a daily basis that make up a life......why do I need to turn it all upside down to figure it out.  

It's just life, that's all.  Just life.

Addendum:   

Photos of all my towels are now here on my blog, just click on the tab "Towels" on the top of the page.