The Juggler rests.

Yesterday was a very long day.  No one can prepare you for carrying your mother's ashes to their final resting place.  Putting the urn in the wall with my father's ashes was something I never saw myself doing.
But then, you never see yourself saying goodbye to the two people who brought you into the world.  The ones you see bits of every time you look in the mirror.
My heart was heavy, while my head was filled with pictures of them throughout my life.

When my mother first died, I didn't cry.  I couldn't.  I wasn't surprised, really.

Back in 1973, when I was 26, and my first cousin, Jo Anne, was 30, she dropped dead on her kitchen floor, while her daughter was doing homework at the table, and her son was playing with his cars nearby.
I didn't cry then, either.  I just got very sick.  Then later, in about a month, the tears came like a flood.

Yesterday I cried, and I woke in the night crying.
Maybe that's why my head is about to explode, or it could be just that I am getting closer to surgery, and the damn bone is pressing on my brain harder than ever.


My Dad and Mom standing in front of The White Elephant.....my Dad's shop.

Heterotopic ossification.  That's what I have.  No one understands it, there is no cure.  A lot of soldiers come back from Afghanistan and Iran with blast injuries, and subsequent HO, which is what they call it.  I call it HH, as you know.
I have cried a lot this morning, in pain, and frustration.
The worst frustration of all, I am going to confess to you, is that most everyone I love does not want to hear the unvarnished truth of this, and they sure as hell don't want to discuss it.
I can tell YOU this.     I am not having any more surgery on my head after this week.  I am done.
I can't do it again.
I can barely bring myself to do this one.
So I feel PRESSED to make my bucket list, and get working on it.  How long do I have without a slammer???  That's the part that no one wants to talk about.
DH wants to keep his political job for 2 more years.
WTF?
My head might fall off by then.
I feel that I am burdening my blogging friends with my plight.
But here it is.   I want to sell the business, and hit the road.  I want to see as much as I can see of this beautiful planet, while I can.
Today I posted this on a few web sites:

After much thought, I am selling my very busy enterprise, Crazy as a
Loom Weaving Studio.  It can be run from anywhere, as it is primarily an
online business, with wholesale customers as well. It will include several looms, including a 7' Toika for custom rugs, thousands of lbs of fabric, selvedge, loopers, etc.  It
will also include a customer base, wholesale customer list,  a Constant
Contact list of 1200, all my stock rugs, placemats and more, the name
and rights to Crazy as a Loom.Also, the kits that I have created, the Hip to Be Square Looper Loom, the Walking on Sunshine rag rug kit.The Prime Mate monkey from Solmate socks, the Socketbooks, a barn FULL of sock seconds. And the web site, and domain.I
am listing it for what I think it a reasonable price.  All serious
offers will be considered.  You can reach me at crazyasaloom@aol.comAs I am soon having another surgery, I may not get right back to you, but I will.

Yup, it's time.  Maybe late, but time none the less.
I'll do what I can do, with whatever time I get that has a doable headache in it.   I have long given up the dream of "no headache".  That doesn't even exist in my world anymore.
I don't know what the future will bring me, but CHANGE is sure at the top of my list.

I guess it's never a good idea to think that your present situation is permanent.  It almost NEVER is.
Some scenarios last longer than others.  When I look back at how my life has evolved, at how many different times in my life there have been, I am amazed.
No less now.

I didn't see this coming.
I didn't want it.
Somedays I grit my teeth and bear down on it with all I have, just to get through it.
It has changed me.
It has changed my life.
One hundred years from now, it won't matter one whit.
All that really matters is today, tough or not.   This is the day I have.  I can bite my tongue and not say what is on my mind or in my heart.
Or I can let it rip.
You know what I choose.  I have never been good at the alternative.