In between bouts of playing on Picmonkey to harass adolescent Yankee fans, and blogging, walking Roy by the river, baking muffins, weaving baby blankets, reading, playing Scrabble, knitting, taking my mother to the grocery store, acting all NORMAL, I fall apart.
Yes, it's true.
I cry a lot.
Gosh, I shouldn't be telling you this.
But it's fact..
I feel alternately relieved after crying, and embarrassed. The tears come any old time they want, I really have little control of them.
I guess it's just the way I process it all.
I didn't blog over the weekend, I just didn't have anything to offer.
Unless you count unadulterated terror.
Sadness.
Pissed off-ness. (is that a word? it should be)
Anticipation.
Excitement.
More terror.
Anxiety.
Distraction.
Periods of calm.
All of these wildly fluctuating inside my head on a daily basis.
I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle. And if there is any time you need to listen to Eckhart Tolle, it is when BRAIN SURGERY is scheduled on YOUR head.
Oh, yeah.
Sitting here last night, listening to it on my lap top, while the Red Sox and Yankees played silently to the left of me, I listened to ET saying that I need to ask myself if I have a problem THIS MINUTE.
Well, no, actually, I don't.
And he says, that the fact that I am having surgery........(he didn't exactly use those words) is not a problem to me THIS MINUTE. It is FUTURE TENSE. So therefore, it is a challenge.
I get it.
And a little voice.....the one he says I should under no circumstances be listening to, screams:
SEMANTICS.
One thing that bothers me.......bare with me.....this probably makes little sense......but I have always been 'the strong one' to my kids. They say that. My three beautiful daughters.
They look to me to always be on top of my game, tough, capable, in charge.
They say that when they can't count on anything else, they can count on me being no nonsense, to the point, get it done, the one they look to, the MOM.
And I know that is not something that lasts forever.
But who knew that even contemplating how that could change, would hurt so much?
There go the tears again.
I think Eckhart Tolle has it right. No doubt. I am listening to a whole series of this conversations.
I want to know. I want to learn. I want to be better.
But it ain't so easy to quiet a voice that has been talking at you for your whole life.
And it ain't easy to think about brain surgery, and not think that you have a problem.
Just sayin.
You need to listen to the voice that tells you that you don't ALWAYS have to be in complete control. That's it's okay to falter and it's okay to let someone else look after you for a little while. Until you're back on top of your game, again.
ReplyDeleteThat other little voice (he refers to it as the ego, doesn't he?) wants you to get caught up in its misery and fear and world of "what ifs."
And no doubt, part of the tears is fear (totally understandable) but I suspect much of it is the relentless pain. It wears you down. It makes you vulnerable. But that will end soon.
And you'll be back in charge before you know it.
Hugs to you.
Sending a big, giant hug to you.
ReplyDeleteI have had those screams but luckily they are silent now.
Guess I took one step; one day at a time.
Would some chocolate help?
I'll send my good thoughts and wishes yur way.
You are not alone.
Oh damn, I can't think of a thing to say that I haven't said before. I just want to give you a hug and let you know I care so much and wish you weren't feeling so low. Your girls will make you so proud at their strength and how they will be there for you until you are fine again. Don't forget...they are your daughters. I can't wait until you are blogging about your surgery..one year ago. A big hug,
ReplyDeleteWhen I had MINOR surgery, my daughters who questioned my need for surgery because they would have to do on their own for themselves, stepped up and took care of all the things that I took care of before surgery. Down to the most minute detail. I was so proud and pleased and pleasantly surprized.
ReplyDeleteYour girls will rise to the occasion and take care of you, that is what you taught them. Let them take care of you for a while. I was amazed at how easily I recovered knowing that my three daughters were loving me back.
Hilary... taking charge of this freak'n headache and having done what needs doing so that you can MOVE ON... is exactly what your daughters would expect.
ReplyDeleteYou have nothing to fear, but FEAR itself.. how very true are those words. So, sit with the fear as you will, acknowledge it.. and get on with the day. Image those wonderful days ahead when you don't even give a thought to "what the headache will be like today". Think of the surgery as THE CURE, not the OH my GOD my HEAD..thing. Change your internal conversation.
..and thank you dear friend, for the gorgeous SECOND rug.. you really shouldn't have!! Love it.. and you.
Hilary, just because you're feeling human, and you have no control over this thing, and you have tears, doesn't mean you're not strong! You ARE strong.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to be fine. I can feel it in my bones.
Although, no matter how many people (doctors, hubby, etc) told me last year I was gonna be fine, I kept having that feeling.....but here I am. I'm stubborn and strong, and so are you. After all, we're New Yorkers! :-)
Here, this is what I do best:
((((((HUGS)))))))
We're here for you and I think you're strong to share.
Oh wait, here, I found some more:
(((((HUGS)))))
Martha
Every time I look at that new header I get a little thrill of enjoyment. I wish there was some way for your blogging friends to reach through the comment box and hug you. Since I can't, I'm sending you virtual hugs and every best wish in the world for this to be behind you. Your outpouring touches me very deeply. I hope you can keep it up until the level of anxiety has lessened a little...
ReplyDeletePraying for you.
ReplyDeleteYou need to let yourself cry. After all, it's not like you can stop it. And sure, your daughters have always looked to you to be the strong one, but don't you think they've learned how to do it from you? I'm sure they did - they just rarely had to exercise those muscles. It will be good for all of you to turn the tables for a bit. Trust me, I've been there (table turning, that is, not brain surgery, I admit). Adult kids are often (sometimes subconsciously) looking for an opportunity to demonstrate their skills to their parents. They WILL step up to the plate. So will hubby. Heck, your mom may even surprise you.
ReplyDeleteI've raised three kids and darn if I'm not finding the young adult years as hard as any time has been. No clear cut guidelines. I want give and take. I want friendship. They still see me as parent: one who fixes most things and provides what they need. Sounds like I'm rambling. I'm identifying with you feeling like you have to be the strong one for your kids. Not always, Hilary. Not now. Our kids have to grow up. They have to realize that we are just people who have needs too. As a kindness to yourself, allow yourself to not be the strong one this time. Here's what I am learning about how to deal with my emotions from a book about the mindful path to self-compassion. Soften, allow, love. Do that with your tears, Hilary. Soften into that pain and allow it, show it love. And thanks for being brave enough to be real. Becky
ReplyDeleteHilary, i wanted to tell you that i have always been the strong one in my family too. My husband is a quadriplegic, and i his only caretaker for over 22 years. Until April 28th. I had a subarachnoid hemorrhage/stroke. One minute i was doing my dishes and the next i am in the ER. And everyone around me became the strong ones. My daughters stepped up and took care of their father and me, our house and animals(and there are many) And once i came home they helped us adjust to our new life. (i am no longer allowed to take care of my husband, and have nurses coming in daily)If anything, the relationships between me and my daughters have gotten much stronger and sweeter. Mom is not invincible. I am human. I cried plenty after the stroke. It's ok. It helps let off the pressure you are feeling. Know that we will all be praying for you.(i love Tolle too) Love, mare
ReplyDeleteFor decades I lived my life waiting for things to happen, I seemed to have no control over life ..then I heard it, my new mantra, "do what you fear to do".
ReplyDeleteI wrote it down and whenever I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen, I write it down again.
It pushes me forward, not waiting.
Hilary, Do what you fear to do, and everything will fall into place. Embrace the fear! It is proof of life.
Enjoy time with your family, and good ol' Roy.
Hugs
Hilary, crying washes your soul. I learned years ago that crying is good for you, if I did not cry, then I could not breathe, it was too hard to hold in the pain and tears. Being strong means to do what you have to do and then fall back on your daughters and husband to help you. Being strong is letting go of the "strong Hilary" and being the "Hilary that needs assistance for a short time". Don't listen to the negative in your head it is just HH disguising himself and trying to make you more miserable. You CAN do this and you will feel so much better afterwards and we will still all be here waiting to hear your thoughts about this journey. We love you in blogland.
ReplyDeleteWho knows what ET would do if he was having brain surgery. You're the bravest one so maybe you should write him a letter about how to do it. I'm thinking of that brain of yours every day and I'm wishing it well.
ReplyDeleteBeing the one in complete control .. you can still be that one .. because being in complete control means you know when to hand over the reins .. hand them over .. let them go .. relax a little, breathe .. and know that while surgery is scary, no surgery is worse ... your comment on Moanie's blog recently is one you should be reading for yourself .. you gave her excellent advice .. not take it to heart .. and remember to breathe!!!!!!! xo
ReplyDeleteI went through a medical crisis several years ago. When the fear overtook me I was guilty of curling up in a ball on the bed alone and crying my eyes out. It releases the pressure of all that fear...when I felt it coming on again I sometimes I could just concentrate on what I was doing, even if it was just dishes, watching the bubbles, feeling the heat of the water....it helped.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers and healing energy are all pointed in your direction! So glad you feel comfortable letting your feelings go with us. We can help carry you.
If you didn't cry I would worry about you. It's scary business and you have every right to be nervous. But listen to ET and try not to listen to the little voice. ET is right don't worry about the future until it becomes the present. Soon this will all be behind you. We're all here for you.
ReplyDeleteHugs and God Bless,
Lesley
OH, hugs to you and your family. My mom was the strong one too and when she went through her first heart attack it was hard to see her so vulnerable, but it was so good for us daughters, it grew us, mentally and emotionally....Let them be your strength now, and let them help you, it's your turn to rely on them some and ask for help and cry with them...
ReplyDeletexoxox
Oh sweetie... Anyone in your shoes would fall apart a little bit. Be easy on yourself and comfort yourself in knowing that HH will be gone. I think of you each day. )))
ReplyDeleteI have written so many comments here and always delete them - because I know that there really isn't anything I can say that will help, other than I am thinking of you. I believe that you're doing everything right. You have embraced and owned these scary thoughts and made them yours. That's how you face them and then get past them and move on. Your surgery is coming up and while that has to be terrifying, you're very present in it and talk it out. You have a ton of friends out here that care about you, even those of us that have just recently found you. So, carry on Hilary and know that there are a lot of people that have your back. One day you will wake up and realize that your head doesn't hurt and you've already done the hard work of clearing out the unnecessary in your life and made room for what is important to you.
ReplyDeleteI have written so many comments here and always delete them - because I know that there really isn't anything I can say that will help, other than I am thinking of you. I believe that you're doing everything right. You have embraced and owned these scary thoughts and made them yours. That's how you face them and then get past them and move on. Your surgery is coming up and while that has to be terrifying, you're very present in it and talk it out. You have a ton of friends out here that care about you, even those of us that have just recently found you. So, carry on Hilary and know that there are a lot of people that have your back. One day you will wake up and realize that your head doesn't hurt and you've already done the hard work of clearing out the unnecessary in your life and made room for what is important to you.
ReplyDeleteWhen you have always been the strong one, the caretaker...and there comes a time when you are the one who'd like to be weak and taken care of...the juxtaposition throws us totally out of whack. We aren't comfortable being on the other end...alien territory. But it's okay to let yourself feel "weak" and unsure and afraid. It's okay to need support from others. We all feel vulnerable at some time in our lives. Cry all you need to. Hugs-hugs-hugs. It will all be okay. You will be okay. :):)
ReplyDelete