Heat wave

Sydney has a beautiful face.  I think that's a given.

She is also grossly overweight.  My daughters say she could be a plus size model.

Sometimes when she gets in this position, I wonder if she will be able to flip over, or if we will have to assist.

The last couple of days have been better.......still a pretty intense headache, but better is better.  Period.
I'll take it and hope for even more improvement.
One day at a time.
Right?

Thanks for the book suggestion.....I picked both these up yesterday at the library.

I have started downsizing more THREAD....putting these up on FB first, with more to come.

This is what L was working on this week........

And what is waiting for me still.......

But I really have been trying to dial it down, hoping that my neck would calm down, and my head would follow.......

Spent some time with these two.......

She loves her little brother.

I am no longer getting your comments in my email.....not sure why not....something Blogger has done.
Some of you ask questions, but then I have no way to answer....

So.....1.  I used MX reactive dyes from Prochemical.

2.   Yes, I will help you with sizing a möbius shawl....email me.   crazyasaloomataoldotcom

3.  My doctor is a prince......whatever has happened to me is not his fault....he is brilliant, kind......I truly love the man.  I have full confidence in him.

But truth.....everything can't be fixed perfectly.  Humpty Dumpty was never quite the same, and I won't be either.
He very honestly said, "we may have overcorrected you"   "there have been a lot of advancements in the fusion surgery since yours"

In a year's time, NO other doctor knew what was wrong.......I saw three neurosurgeons, two neurologists, and several other doctors........who all insisted that Chiari was not my problem.

Yeah.

Dr. Rekate knew the minute he saw my MRI.........I think he may have saved my life.


So, lunch on the porch....today.....toss salad with Puerto Rican bean salad on the side/top.

My next project.......ring spun cotton with pupa silk weft........undyed, in its natural state.

Right now I am in the living room, getting ready to read for the rest of the afternoon....it is brutally hot outside.  Even the screen porch is uninhabitable.

We have an AC unit, portable, in the LR, and that's actually the only comfortable place to be.

Walking this week takes place at 7am......before the heat and humidity kick in too much.

This was how it looked yesterday morning.

Me and my girl.

Passing time.

Had the CT scan today, but of course, I won't know a thing until next week.   I hope it was my imagination that the technician was looking at me sympathetically.

Easy to think the worst.  But I'm really trying not to go there.


I eat these like M & M's......they are so good.

Since I don't have weaving to fill up my days, I  find other little projects to occupy myself.

These pictures were in a box on the floor.....thought it was time they went up.

I had some sewing to do.......something that be done without sitting at the machine for long.

This is what's on the loom....sitting untouched right now.......I call it "ladybug".

When I find myself getting down about the state of my head, I open photos on my phone, and peruse pictures of these two........it reminds me every time that sticking around with a headache is a better option than not being here at all.

This is a little dark, but you get the idea.......Sydney laying her full weight on my shoulder.   My daughter saw it and said, "wow, that can't be good for your neck."  
Ha!   She's like a heating pad, actually.

Another little time killer, finishing another short sleeve sweater for my daughter.

And dyeing is a job that I can do....if I only do one batch and quit.........so this was today's inspiration.

I finally got the Structo threaded.....while I'm not a fan of table looms, this one is just too darn sweet.

I love feeling "lighter".  In truth, it's not as hard as I thought it would be.   20lbs gone  is like FOUR bags of sugar taped around my body.......not there anymore.

No wonder I feel better.

Tonight I made a stir fry.........spinach, asparagus, mushrooms, onions, a little garlic, and some brown rice.

It was SOOOOOO good.

Tomorrow is my youngest daughter's birthday........I gave her a choice of desserts.......she picked pumpkin cheesecake....which is cooling as I write.......I just hope it's as good as it smelled baking...........I'll have to leave the entire thing at her house......I do love pumpkin!!!

Pictures to follow though.   

Here comes the weekend, again.......does it seem like it comes around faster and faster???

Drats.

It's probably a good thing not to get too comfortable, so much so that you think that there are no more bumps in the road.

Because it's just not true.  Ever.

Since my little episode of finger numbness, I have once again had the headache from hell.   Has it been three weeks?   I think so.    It has been so intense, it has actually made me wake up from a sound sleep, many nights.   With no break, I get frazzled, occasionally weepy for no other reason.  I feel off track, a little disoriented.    I try to keep busy and not think about it, but how does one ignore something that feels like a weight over your eyes; and sometimes a knife sticking in one of them.  And my neck, oh, my neck.......it's a constant ache that nothing much helps.

Hard, let me just say that.  It's hard.

So finally, I emailed my surgeon.  Haven't talked to him in a few years, so honestly wondered if he was retired, or if he would even answer.
But he did, within a couple of hours.

There are apparently several reasons why this may be happening........it could mostly be related to posture, muscles in my fused neck, etc.  If that is the case, then physical therapy might help.

The other possibility is that the screws in my neck could have backed out a bit, pressing where they shouldn't be pressing.   You can probably guess the fix for that.

So I'm having a CT scan this week, to see if there's an answer, and a direction to head into.

I will say this:   when your head has slammed for weeks, night and day, and it's hard to even concentrate, you don't really care how they make it better......you only care that maybe they can.   And, you'll pretty much do anything.
Which brings back the incredibly unpleasant memory of waiting to go into that first surgery, signing papers that they kept bringing in, my daughter nervously sitting by my stretcher, just wanting them to DO IT.  PLEASE.   NOW.

OK, there, I've got that off my chest. I have been living with a low grade headache for so long,  and gotten so used to it, I was beginning to think that I was home free.  I put those awful times away, along with  the fear that I  might not be able to withstand it all.  Like childbirth, I put it all behind me, and forgot the pain, forgot the way it takes over, and changes you.

But like childbirth, once it's reality again, you remember all too well.   You can't believe that you actually forgot about it.

Unfortunately, there isn't the reward here, that comes with giving birth to a child.

I've only been weaving a little, here and there.    I can't do more.   I haven't been gardening, or doing yard work either.

I've kept up my walking with Naya, and I'm still losing weight, which is encouraging at least.

I've been reading, and did a little retail therapy.   I bought a car.  Ha!!!

Who knows how stable I really am mentally.   Now there's a good question.


I recently dyed this bamboo.....a beautiful blue.

So when I saw this Subaru Forester, I fell in love.

I adore this car.

I also bought this little Structo loom......hard to find in this great condition.
We'll take it to shows, and use it for demo.

I weave in short spurts.....half hour here, half hour there.  It's not exactly what I want to do, but it's what I need to do.

Restocking möbius shawls for upcoming shows.

This one is cotton and hand dyed bamboo.

Today, I did very little....picked up my new car, came home and read all afternoon, with heat on my neck.

Sometimes, I just have to give in, even though it's really not in my nature.

I feel bad bitching, I think about my blogger friend, Vicky Westra, and I  know that she deals with much worse than this, and she does it with grace, and courage, and she inspires me......every day.

When I think some days, that this is just too much....I can't do it........something kicks in, and I know that I can.   I know it because Vicky has shown me, and so many others, how it's done.
One day at a time, one minute at a time, not letting go of hope for one second.   Taking this day, and being so grateful for it, no matter what.

Thinking at 6am.

On one of my walks, I found this feather.  Looks like a blue jay.

Birds just amaze me, so I treasure this.

Lois and I did the Beekman Street Fair last Sunday.  The weather was stellar.  The crowd was never ending.  The sales were shocking.

It was a good show.

We sold so many möbius shawls, now we have to get weaving to restock.  More shows coming.

My youngest daughter came with her two little ones.   A vendor down the street from me was selling handmade baby (doll) carriers, so as soon as my granddaughter got there, we went and got one for her and for "baby".

 She had also been to the craft tent, where she felt right at home.


This lady rocked this möbi.   I was sure she was going to buy it, but it wasn't in her budget.

Finally home, and unpacked, it was time for a rest.  Shows can be exhausting.  

Coming home to this old house is always a comfort.   I still pinch myself some days.  When I was younger, I always dreamed of owning an old house like this, full of character and history.
I am still stunned that it's mine for this space of time on earth.

Occasionally, my three girls badger me about moving closer to them.  They are only an hour away, but they think it would be nice to have me within a few miles.

It will never happen, I'm afraid.  I know the deal.
They are busy now, they would be just as busy if I lived down the road.  

And I could never leave this house that I love, where I feel at home, where friends stop in unannounced,  to live in a place that I don't love, and don't know.  A place, where I know I would probably not see them any more than I do now.

I see the little ones the most, because that daughter doesn't work outside the home....she has her hands full already.

 My older grandchildren are busy: school, jobs, sports, friends.   I miss the days when Mimi was at the center of their lives.  But I accept that life happens, times change.  There is no point wishing it were otherwise.
So I take every opportunity to soak up being Mimi to these two.

Look at those faces.  Makes my heart ache, I love them so much.

I am grateful, beyond explanation, for the chance to get to know them, and for them to know me.   I don't know how much they will remember when they grow up.   I just hope that they remember that they had a Mimi, and her love for them was boundless.

My kids don't like to talk about it, but me..........well, I have no illusions.
I am pretty sure I will not live to be as old as my parents.    I am painfully (pun intended) aware of what was done to the back of my head.   My experience as a nurse, and my time in the OR, makes it quite clear to me that hands and instruments and mayhem resided inside the back of my head, not for one surgery, no, but for three.

A couple of weeks ago, I was weaving, yes, for too long.   I had a searing pain in the back of my neck.   Now my neck, being fused, is always somewhat painful.  But this was different.   It got my attention.  The onset of a fierce headache behind my eyes told me to stop what I was doing.  So I did.

I immediately became cold, all over cold.  I was so cold, that I was shivering, on a perfectly nice day.

Then my fingers, all but my thumbs, became numb at the finger tips.

All this lasted for about 20 minutes.  Since then, my headaches have rumbled around my head with abandon.  At times, it is a throbbing pain, at others it feels like something is impaling my eye.

Damage was done inside my head.  I know it, personally.   I'm not crying about it.  Just stating a fact. We are all going to die, even while we try not to think about it.   Denial doesn't work.   Everyone has their time on this earth, and it has an end date.  But most of us feel, without reason, that we have forever.
Then there are some of us, who intimately know better, at some gut level, the truth has become quite real to us.
We don't have unlimited time, like we used to think.

So everything becomes more precious.  Every observation, every connection, every feeling.


I know my girls and my grands will be fine without me someday,   they are strong and independent.


This girl?  Not so much.  
I am a little stressed that if I am correct about my assumption that my life span is not going to be long, what will happen to her?

She is so sweet, and dependent, and needy.   My knowledge that you can't have any control when you're gone, battles with my deep desire to know that she will be ok, and loved.

Aren't we the maudlin one this morning????

Don't we all get that way occasionally?  or is it a taboo subject???


On a brighter note, I read about the "remoska"..........which I can't buy because it won't work on US voltage.  They seem to be popular in England.

So I found this one, by Emeril....much bigger than the traditional Czechoslovakian remoska, but otherwise the same.
The heating element is in the lid....it cooks like an oven at 375 degrees, and I love it.

 Makes amazing roast potatoes, rhubarb crisp......corn on the cob wrapped in foil.......baked potatoes..
uses way less energy than your oven........bottom can go on the stove top to brown things first, or just use it in the stand that it's in.
The bottom washes like a breeze.  And it doesn't heat up your kitchen.

I bought it on Amazon for $29.99........you have to look around for that price........

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ED7KMJK/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I've been dyeing again........   first DIE is the subject matter......but stay with me........now it's DYE.

 I have it down to a science, and it always feels amazing and uplifting, creating all the combinations of color that are possible.

The loom dog watches our every move as we warp the loom with some of my hand dyed cotton.

  Two warps in one day....???   Yep, we were on a roll........

A natural warp is a lovely background for some of the colors I am coming up with.  I want to try them all.


A little navy abaca to start.........which is a fiber made from banana trees.......

And measuring picks so I can compute how much weft to dye for my next project.

Yes, I know that it is not likely that I will live a long life.

But it's the life I'm living today that matters.  This day.  The one I have.  That belongs to me.

This day, is going to be a good one.

And then, I'll take just one day at a time.

Because in the end, isn't that really all we can do?????